JOB AQUIRED
Monday, May 11, 2026
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I AM HAVING A CONUNDRUM.
I have been offered a job running sound at a local music venue. It's an extremely well regarded small venue, they run local bands as well as touring bands, they pay well, I would have an INCREDIBLE resume, I'd get paid to go to shows for free.
But i am plagued by the thought that i'm not that qualified and i know some extremely qualified people who would LOVE to have that job, and i'm not really sure why they're offering it to me.
Pretty much everyone has been telling me to just take the compliment, accept the job, don't worry about it. But I can't really let it go all the way. Like, who am I to run their venue?? I have like two semesters of experience and I've been in a mediocre band. Meanwhile I have friends who have run venues on their own before and are working shitty burger flipping jobs. I feel guilty. I know I would do amazing and I've always wanted to do something like this and I think I'd be great at it but I feel so awful too.
I have a first shadow shift on Wednesday and this is what I've decided to do. If I show up and it seems like they're looking for someone with more experience than I do, then I will politely tell them that I would LOVE to have this opportunity but it doesn't seem right and then I would refer them to the two or three friends I have that already know how to do this. If I show up and I DO have the experience, then I'll try to just accept that I lucked out, and as SOON as the venue even MENTIONS looking for more tech people I will jump in and make sure they fucking hire those people immediately. I feel slightly less bad with that plan in place.
I'm also scared shitless because my damn live sound professor last semester was a piece of shit and didn't teach anything, and I really really wish he had because I'd be going into this with full confidence in myself and no worries about taking on this job. Genuinely I'm trying to think about this position as a RECORDING audio position instead of LIVE because then I remember I actually can do this. I'm way more confident about my ability to run a recording session, but they're almost the exact same thing. Still have to do a soundcheck, still have to work with a mix console, etc etc. And when I think about that, I remember that I AM qualified and I get super excited again.
I think I might just talk to my new boss about it sometime. When we have our little check in after my first shadow shift, I think I'll just be honest and say that I'm super excited and I'm a little scared, and see if she has any advice.
I actually got this job offer completely by accident. I did not apply for this position at all. I applied for a totally different one within the same company. It was an internship and it was way more admin-centered. My interview went so damn well that they offered this one instead. The kicker is that one of the dudes who interviewed me for the internship used to be the main audio tech for the venue for a long time. He was the one who recommended this position instead. He literally decided that I could take over his old job. He got his job there by accident too. That is a huge honor and a real moment of serendipity. I guess I must have some kind of qualification.
Whenever I start a new job, I'm always way more stressed about the schedule than I need to be, too. I guess I get nervous about burning out or having weird hours and being miserable. But like. It's work. Sure, it's never super fun, but like, you get adjusted. And this is MUSIC!! I'll literally be going to concerts for FREE!!!
I'm also super fucking tired today because my roommate finally got a new car after the accident and it's overall pretty decent but the car alarm was randomly going off all night... I think we've solved the issue and it hasn't done it today but jesus christ I feel like i was taking care of a newborn or something.
Dude i've really just got to shut the fuck up and accept this. Like, this is awesome, and I actually will do an amazing job. I need to chill out and let life happen as it will.
Okay. Wish me luck. Karma out.
also, the like buttons weren't working how i wanted them to, so they're gone for now. but you can go leave a comment on the guestbook if you want.
updates coming...
Wednesday, May 6, 2026
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I want to put the blog box inside of a tv screen, like you're reading and scrolling through it on an old monitor or tv... i am not very good at html... but i will figure it out...
anxiety returns!!! and also i bought a synthesizer
Saturday, May 2, 2026
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/// Note: There's a guestbook now! Go leave me a little message about your day! ////
Having weird anxiety issues that I haven't had in a long time. Every evening now I get a tightness in my chest and I feel like my heart is racing and I get real worried about everything and I feel strange and cooped up in the apartment. Doesn't feel great. I hope it isn't an actual heart issue and just my emotionals fluctuating because I'm back on testosterone and also my school semester is ending. Surely just the stress, right? Bleh.
Bought an analog synth finally! Thank you tax return... It's a Roland SE-02, from the Botique series, so I believe it's a newer synth that's supposed to emulate some older classic ones. It's dinky, which was the main criticism I saw online while researching different affordable synth options. It's got teensy little knobs. I think it's perfect, the size doesn't bother me. I plugged it in yesterday when it arrived and spent the evening going through the preset sounds and messing with them to make weird noises. Then I sat down with a youtube video walking me through the device more thoroughly so I can really know better what I'm doing.
I took a class on MIDI and synthesizers last year but Jesus H they are so complex. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what every knob does and why and how. They're so fucking cool.
Here's what it looks like:
Isn't that awesome? Don't ask me what everything means yet, I'm not sure exactly.
I got this one specifically (over the Behringer Model D and the Korg Monologue) because it is able to save sounds you create and it has a pretty good spread of controls. $300 isn't a bad price for a synth either. The Model D can't save your sounds and the Korg had less knobs. I really just wanted something that was gonna give me good control so I can really learn how to use a synth properly, and I wanted to be able to play it onstage live. Saving custom sounds is essential for performing.
It doesn't come with a keyboard, as you can see, so I'm figuring out how to hook up my shitty yamaha electronic keyboard as a MIDI controller to use with it. I thought it would be simple cuz I've used that yamaha before as a controller for other things but for some reason it wasn't working. I might be missing a step somewhere, or maybe there's a setting I have to change on the system menu for the synth. I dunno.
It's pretty awesome though. I've been so frustrated with all the digital synth options available. Using your mouse on a computer screen to change settings is NOT the same as turning them with your fingers. I've been able to make cool stuff I like within seconds of touching analog synths but I've never quite been satisfied with any digital synth sounds I've made.
My falling in love moment with synths was a few months ago when my band was recording a single with some friends, and the person recording was like, "oh, if you guys want some synthy sounds, let me get my Subsequent 37 out" and they grabbed their synth and let me just play around on it for about an hour for fun and gave me some pointers. It was so cool. It's like being a mad scientist. You can make some of the most fucked up awesome things you've ever heard. I haven't had a life changing musical experience like that in a long time. It's just pure exploration. I was like fuck, now I have to buy a synth. They actually recommended the Model D, which is where I started my research. But I think I'm happier with my SE-02.
Now that I've got this, my next musical purchase is gonna be a new guitar. Then I'll really be set. I've got my eye on a Paul Reed Smith - those guitars with the birds on the fretboard - because every time I've picked them up my fingers just feel like they glide around on them. But really what I'll do is just save up like $700 and go to Guitar Center or one of my local used guitar shops and play every single instrument until I go HOLY SHIT I LIKE THIS ONE.
I'm also picky about the look and the color, which makes me feel a little dumb, but it's important! I think I want a black or grey guitar this time. My last one was dark red, which was fun, but my general aesthetic is moving away from red and towards gothy blacks, so I'm thinking that. Plus, it's a little more neutral. I've also always liked the Les Paul shape to a guitar, but I can change my mind on that for playability.
Now I'm just turning this website into an instrument review blog. Well, I hope you enjoyed anyway. I'm going off to spend the day with my best friend and their brother and hang out at a Goodwill. I just got my Joan of Arc tattoo touched up yesterday so I'm gonna wrap that baddie up real good before I dig through the bins.
Also, I've added a like button now, so you can say hello if you read the post.
Peace out!!
hella fucking sick
Thursday, April 23, 2026
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i have a cold on top of my stomach problems. BLEHH.
on the plus side i get creative when i feel kinda sick. so i wrote lyrics like a motherfucker yesterday. maybe i'll post some here later.
i really want to start making my OWN music. i like making music for my band a lot. but there's an itch there that can't be scratched with the music we make. i'm not much of a singer or performer in that sense, but i'll fuckin learn. it's very intimidating, but i'll fuckin do it. i've got to. i don't think i'll ever feel fully complete if i don't learn how to perform as a frontperson of a band onstage. i won't ever feel like i've done my best at life if i don't do that.
gotta get past the not-a-singer bump though. distortion pedals on the vocals is probably a good first step. i can talk/shout lyrics instead of sing. and i'm taking vocal lessons, maybe i'll be able to carry a small tune someday. it's kinda scary to think of being onstage without a guitar. who on earth would i find that i would trust to play guitar BEHIND me?? crazy thought...
thing i would look forward to the most about not having a guitar, though, is that i can finally dance and move around. i'm so locked in one spot with a guitar, you know? i'm glued to the pedal board pretty much. i try to move when i can and run around stage if i have a song without too many pedals, but it's difficult. only being onstage with a microphone? i feel like it would be a way scarier version of singing along to your favorite song in your bedroom. you can dance and be dramatic and act out the song and interact with the audience. honestly, the part i would really fuck with is the saying random shit between songs part. i'd come on stage with a damn script ready of weird cryptic things to say in between songs onstage. i think after a bit of practice, i would eat it up.
that's the hope, i guess. i've never commanded a stage that way yet.
mixing music
Wednesday, April 15, 2026
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I think I'm starting to understand mixing. I'm in school for music production and recording technology. I've been in a band and loved music for a long time so I know things ABOUT mixing and mastering but not really how to do it myself. I'm finally starting to get it though. I'm still shit at it, but it's starting to click and my projects are starting to sound a LOT better, even the mixes I'm making with really badly recorded stuff from my band. It's so cool to expand my knowledge of music in that direction. Like it's really a whole other half to making a song.
That's sort of been my advice to other musicians too. Like, after my band recorded our first album, I learned so much in the process, and the advice I tend to pass on is that - recording music is totally different than any other step in the process. Making a RECORDED song is different than writing that same song, or playing that same song live. Different goal. Totally different sound. Things that sound good live might sound like shit recorded. You gotta rethink the whole thing. It can go so many different ways, too. You don't have to make the recorded version sound anything like the live one if you don't want it to. You can do anything you want to the recorded version, and still play whatever you want to live. It's so fucking cool. Songs have these split lives almost. One that gets immortalized in stone, and one that gets reincarnated over and over. Both have an alive sort of quality in different ways.
What really made mixing click was when I took stems from a cover of a song I know really well and tried to mix them to sound exactly like the original song. It would never sound perfect, of course, because the cover band didn't record the song exactly the same way as the original, but I could get pretty damn close (for a beginner. I'm not David Bendeth). I've never done that much work on a mix before. It made me realize how much work and transformation is possible on a song. I guess with previous work, I didn't really have a goal. My goal was just to mix the song. I didn't have a sound I was aiming for, or even a vibe. I was just mixing it to, mix it, I guess, cause I didn't really understand what I should be doing with it. This has changed my perspective. You can really make a song sound any way you want. Maybe next I'll try taking the stems from like some singer songwriter song and make it sound like a rock or punk song just based on mixing. That would be fun.
I really should try to do the same thing but with an MCR song since I know their work the best out of any band ever. Howard Benson and Rich Costey did some really cool work on the Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge mixing, and I've always been fascinated with how they decided to pan the guitars on that album. Maybe I'll try to record my own cover to mix. God, I only know how to play Black Parade songs. Revenge songs are a bitch to learn. I can play Helena, though, maybe I'll do that.
Anyway, karma out. gotta go get groceries.
oh, also, the about me page link should work now. photos still doesn't. eventually i intend to put another page in that has art or music or photography or some shit on here but for now it's a placeholder. also, i'll eventually decorate this space more. right now it's just for writing.
More doctor visits
Tuesday, April 14, 2026
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Goddamn it something is wrong with my stomach. I was at an urgent care a few weeks ago and today some of those symptoms came back and I barely slept. Had to leave work to go to a doctor's appointment and get my blood drawn and stuff. It's still hurting and it's kind of a burning sensation. I might have to go to a GI specialist or get a CT scan and make sure everythings okay. For now I'm eating applesauce and toast and shit. Bleh. At least I'm not at work I guess. I'm just gonna catch up on homework and try to ignore my stomach.
In other news. My band got to do an interview for the local radio and we had so much fun. I'm such a nerd, every time we do something like that, I'm like "wow, we're just like my chemical romance :D" in my head. It was super fun though. Felt like we were on a podcast.
Probably going to watch a strange aeons video or maybe turn on Twin Peaks again.
Oh, here's something to talk about. I watched Weapons, a horror film from last year, over the weekend. I won't spoil any plot or actual content of the film, but spoiler warning for the themes and the director's commentary on the film. The director said it was about the impact of alchoholism on children. I think that's cool and I definitely can see where that meaning comes into the film. But the director also apparently said it is NOT about school shootings in any way. And like. You cannot write a story in the year 2025 that's about a bunch of kids disappearing from a classroom and use gun imagery and not expect it to be A LITTLE BIT about school shootings. Good god. It very much feels like a commentary on school violence and the reasons why kids cause harm like that. And really, both alcholohism and school shootings have a lot in common. Something something kids exposed to violence in the home will recreate it outside of the home. It really was an excellent movie either way though. Recommended if you like horror.
Okay that's all today. I'm going to try and rest and get some work done. Bye-bye.
Working at a hospital is dark sometimes
Saturday, April 11, 2026
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Just woke up. My roommate's still asleep. Both of us have vocal lessons later this morning. I've never considered myself to be a singer, especially not a good one, but I've been learning a lot during my lessons the last few months. One of my coworkers has been teaching me for free, which is really nice. It's cool to undo something you've always thought about yourself and realize you can be good at something you never thought you would be able to do. Singing is a skill just like playing any other instrument. You can learn how to get better.
I'm so glad it's the weekend. To make my school schedule work this semester, I've been working five days a week, just with shorter hours every day. I know I'm lucky I can survive on a part time job and that most people work five days a week anyway, but I hate only having two days off. Working at a hospital can be so exhausting. I see a lot of parents crying or screaming, or kids who have been there for weeks or months and are depressed and can't do the things they love. I think working here has made me more afraid of death, too. It's easy to see how quickly bad things can happen. I got in a car accident last month with my best friend (my roommate) and we were fine, but since then I've been having a lot of awful, sudden visions of them dying or getting hurt randomly throughout my day, and being at work doesn't help that.
Sorry to get real dark there. I'm probably going to go see a therapist about this soon. I think it's healthy to be a little scared of death but intrusive visions is probably not good. To deal with them I usually try to chat with someone about it, or sit and remind myself that death is what makes life so sweet, and that all I can do is try to live to the fullest while we're all still here. It usually helps calm me down. Still going to get some help though.
Work yesterday was okay though, I had a nice chat with the chaplain, who's very nice. She asked me all about my family and my schoolwork and stuff and helped me do tasks while we chatted.
I'm just really glad to have a mental break for two days before I get right back in it. I'm going to redye my hair and watch Twin Peaks. I said I wanted to start it again, and I did. I watched an episode yesterday while I was coding this blog. My hair right now is short and black. I'm trying to grow out just the front and shave the sides. Kind of like 2004 Frank Iero hair. It's kinda purple right now since the dye's been fading. I haven't had money to buy hair dye in a while. The car crash and whatnot kinda wiped out my extra spending since we ending up getting a lot of fast food and ubers that weekend while we had to run around and get all the insurance and the rental figured out. But now I've got hair dye again. It'll be nice to fix that up.
I'm looking forward to my little brother graduating high school at the end of the month. I'm going to make him the radio from the Portal games as a gift. It's an alarm clock that I'm going to fix up to play the little radio song. I think he's going to love it. I'm very proud of him.
Alright, that's it for now. I've got to go help a friend alter a dress. Karma out.
First Blog Post
Friday, April 10, 2026
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welcome to the blog! my name is karma. not my real name, of course, but my real name isn't even my real name. i've been feeling unsatisfied with life recently and creatively unfulfilled so i'm gonna start writing this blog as a way to let some of it out and have a project to work on.
some things about me. i'm in college, sort of, studying music. i play guitar. i really like reading about music history and band biographies, even if i don't like the band. i play in a punk band and write a lot of music to pass my time. i want to get more into electronic music so i'll probably make a section for that on this website.
my favorite book is the martian by andy weir, my favorite movies are alejandro jorodowsky's the holy mountain and clueless. i don't really watch TV but i'm trying to get back into it, i wanna finally watch twin peaks. i'll make a whole movie list somewhere because i love films a lot.
i live in a fuckass state in the US but i'd love to move to san francisco someday. i don't know how i'll afford it but it would be amazing. i'd also consider moving to nyc as well but san francisco is where my heart is. i grew up in new mexico and i love the desert, i love the west coast. i'm also a big public transportation guy (no car) and san francisco's bart system is nice.
i'm very anti social media but i think the internet is so cool, hence this blog. i wish people were actually social on the internet and made cool stuff. i hate that you can't even customize your profile on like twitter and instagram. what the fuck. what a joke. i like the idea of a kind of anarchist internet ethos. diy forever, off the grid of the main internet kind of thing.
what else about me. i work at a hospital, but i want to work in a music or art related field. i really want to get into a local venue and work with the booking or sound crew. really hard to do though. sigh. my job is pretty nice though, my coworkers are cool as far as coworkers go. i can chat with them, and there's always crazy stuff to tell my roommate about when i get home. i'll definitely write more about all the weird shit that happens at work later.
my family is pretty chill. we had a rough relationship for a little bit but things have been really good the last while. i had a big sit down conversation with my parents a while ago about a lot of things, about our relationship and what things still hurt from my childhood and teenage years and concerns i had about my little siblings and whatnot. it was hard to do but we get along very well after that. they're all amazing people. my sister is a genius, she writes plays and has incredible fashion taste. another one of my siblings is a fantastic 2d animator.
i also sew, i've taken some classes but it's just for fun. i make our band's costumes for stage sometimes. i alter my clothes, etc.
i'll be writing more soon. not sure if anyone will ever read these, but i hope you enjoy if you do! i'm going to add a comment section and a like button function so you can give me a little wave or leave a message for me if you like.
thanks for reading! karma out.